All jokes welcomed at this thread.....

Anything GO!s.

Two hobos are siting in an alley way next to a dog. The dog starts licking it's privates and one of the homeless men turns to his buddy and says, "Joe, I wish I could do that!" Joe looks at the dog and says, "I'd pet him first if I were you man."

This is the latest on Aussie:

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
‘What a great chest!’
He tells her,

‘That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby.’

He takes off his pants and the blonde says
‘What massive calves you have’
The body builder tells her,

‘That’s another 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.’

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the flat screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran
The blonde replies,

‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!’

LOL! That was funny Aussie.

A police officer stops an old man on the sidewalk who is crying.

Officer: What's wrong sir?

Old Man: I'm married to a voluptious, sexy, horny, 20 year old woman who caters to my every need as if it were her greatest desire on earth.

Officer: That sounds great, so why are you crying?

Old Man: I can't remember where I live!

Thats a goody...... hehehehehe...

hubby says... I feel like a new Woman..
Must own house and car..

Send Photo of house and car...
:)

I saw something like that in personals ad once. This italian guy was looking for an american woman, preferably older with a classic vintage car. In the ad he requested applicants send a picture of their cars.

LOL Funkygirl...

This guy walks into a pet shop...

"I'll take one of your wasps"

"Sir, we don't sell wasps"

"Well there's one in your window"

Cheers.

Don't you dare thinking all the Bulgarians are like that!:)))))):

HA! Welcome to GO! Smell the flowers....

Your country is proud Melina, right?

For my country I don't know, but for myself I can say, I am not proud, if I was, I wouldn't put the video in the jokes forum:)

Hee hee! How about this...

This one is in from our buddy Laura in South Africa...

>
>->
>> SIR PAUL VERSUS HEATHER
>>
>>
>>
>> It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul
>> McCartney and his wife are
>> facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is
>> make jokes about her
>> false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
>>
>>
>> News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has
>> separated from his wife
>> Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said
>> to be distraught over
>> the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She
>> said in an earlier
>> briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
>> really stumped"
>>
>>
>> "She's running around in circles", according to a
>> close friend, "she will
>> need all the support she can get. It's not like its
>> easy to walk out on a
>> relationship like this"
>>
>>
>> After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if
>> he would ever consider
>> going down on one knee again. Paul said he would
>> prefer it if we called her
>> Heather.
>>
>>
>> It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was
>> signed prior to the
>> marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men
>> in the world, and if an
>> agreement has been signed it is believed that she
>> won't have a leg to stand
>> on.
>>
>> Rumours abound over the split which have suggested
>> that infidelity may have
>> been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated,
>> "always trying to get her
>> leg over".
>>
>>
>> Another source has suggested that her battle with
>> alcoholism was the cause.
>> "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said,
>> "he would get home at
>> night and find her legless"
>>
>>
>> Many have attributed this to a problem which started
>> with the present that
>> Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a
>> new prosthetic leg for
>> Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
>>
>>
>> * A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg.
>> He says to his
>> mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold
>> digger?" His mate says
>> "try Paul McCartney"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> . Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I lay upon a grassy bank
>>
>>
>> My hands were all a quiver
>>
>>
>> I slowly removed her suspender belt
>>
>> And her leg fell in the river
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> And
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> She stood on the bridge at midnight
>>
>>
>> Her lips were all a quiver
>>
>>
>> She gave a cough, her leg fell off
>>
>>
>> And floated down the river.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> These jokes are funny but let's spare a thought for
>> Paul please. Now she has
>> left him, he's going to struggle to find another
>> woman who can fill her shoe
>>
;-) LOL!!! Thanks Laura

Delightfully wrong!

Okay here's a couple of short ones.

What do you call a group of 10 blondes standing in a circle?

A dope ring.

What do you call a group of 15 blondes standing in a row?

A wind tunnel.

I really laughed at this - don't read with a full bladder.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his Lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my Interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little Something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, Pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short Lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of Electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little Soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A Batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm Sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!!!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of Caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered Conservative?

SON-OF-A-GUN, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparrently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S.
My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

LOL Emma....

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister walk in to a bar. The bartender looks up and says,
"What is this, a joke?"

HA!

1. A woman, without her man, is nothing

2. A woman: without her, man is nothing

p/s: please READ carefully

Very good Nusarahanya!

Thanks Jim..

Rufus died and went to heaven. (No, that's not the joke ... read on ...)

St. Peter meets her at the pearly gates and says, "What part of Heaven would you like to live in?"
Rufus thinks about this and can't decide, so she asks for a tour.
She and St. Peter travel around and soon they are near a group of dancing monks in robes with beautiful smiles, they are chanting "Krishna" over and over -- St. Peter says, "These are the Hari Krishnas!" and he waves, they wave back and continue chanting.
Rufus shakes her head, "No ... I like these guys but it's not for me" so they go forward with their journey.

Soon they are near some joyous looking people who are sitting together and speaking in reverent voices about philosopy, love and life. They are very content and peaceful. Rufus is intrigued and St. Peter says, "These are the Muslims!"
Rufus shakes her head, "No ... I like these guys but it's not for me" so they go forward with their journey.

The next stop is with a loud, happy and argumentative group speaking delightfully over each other about philosophy, love and life. They jostle each other and gesture wildly while speaking. Rufus watches this for a bit and shakes her head. St. Peter says, "What?! You want I should not leave you with the Jews?"

Both St. Peter and Rufus laugh and go forward with their journey.

They travel on and on through the endless valleys of heaven studying all forms of worship, finally coming to a plateau where St. Peter hides behind a tree and motions for Rufus to do the same. Across the plain are homes, shopping centers, and more. The people are coming and going, seemingly without a care in ... all of heaven. They are oblivious to anyone or anything else around them. "Who ..." Rufus begins to ask and St. Peter *shushes* her.

"Shhhhhh ..." he says with his finger against his lips, "these are the Mormons. They think they're the only ones here. We want to keep it that way."

Why do people point to their WRISTS when asking for the time, but don't point to their CROTCH when they ask where the bathroom is?

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.
She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers,
one of them black.
Job done

hahaha, wicked jim, just wicked....

I'm personally a sucker for the lame jokes...

A man is running down the sidewalk grabbing people along the way and shaking them, shouting "I'm a TeePee, I'm a WigWam, I'm a TeePee, I'm a WigWam..." finally a man steps in and grabs hold of the distraught individual and says "Relax, dude, you're two tense!" (tents...yeeeeah.)

WWII concentration camps were growing more populated by the minute, and excersize grounds provided enough space for the poor prisoners to merely move their heads and shoulders. So the guards had them follow the clock, and move their heads from side to side, tick, tock, tick, tock. One day, in protest, a guard came out to find the prisoners were only moving one way, tick, tick, tick...furious he exclaimed "we have ways of making you tock!".

LOL jbean...

DON'T remind me of those concentration camp jokes - shocking.

An old flowers regular, Urban Pagan once reminded us that he lost family in a WWII POW camp....

His uncle fell out of a watch tower.

I was following a magic tractor down the road yesterday

It turned into a field

Scotsman, Irishman and a Scouser sitting in the Philharmonic Arms having a pint.

Paddy sees an old bloke with a long white beard in the corner nursing the end of a pint of guinness. "to be sure", says our Paddy, "if that's not God himself over der".

The other 2 see the funny side and decide to send the celestial being over a refill.

Half an hour later on his way to the world famous lavs God stops by the table. "My sons, your act of common kindness will be repaid, all your ills will be cured"

He places his hand on Paddy's head. A halo of light appears and Paddy jumps up; "Begorrah, me headache of 20 years has gone". He moves to Jock and places his hand on his shoulder; "Och, would ye believe it, me arthritis has just disappeared".

He then moves towards our jovial scouser (let's call him Jim) who jumps up, knocking his chair over and runs to the door. God looks to the other two; "What's up with him", Paddy replies, "Don't worry about Jim, God, he's on disability benefit"

Bah Boom tish
I'm here all week, try the steak.....

LOL Red dog...

Settling in nicely eh...

You should be on stage...sweeping it! :-)

I hope this isn't too offensive, it made me laugh a lot.

I saw a someone wearing a T-shirt once. On the front it said "Jesus Loves You"

And on the back, "Everyone else thinks you're a c***"